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from The Dynamic Enneagram - Twos
Twos are
part of the emotional trio who reject their themselves, over-identify
with roles and get confused about how they really feel. Twos get
confused between who the Two really is versus who he seems to be when
playing a helpful role towards others.
This “helping” is fueled by an emotional habit of
jumping into other people’s skin. The Two relocates his own rejected
needs over in the other person and then tries to give to himself by
metaphor, via the medium of the other person. Anyone can be
co-dependent, but the contours of pure co-dependence are built into
style Two: I’ll give to you so that you will give back to me, so that I
will feel nurtured and cared for. As a Two wryly summarized her first
marriage: “I gave him everything I had and then I said, ‘Now, give it to
me!’”
So an entranced Two might enter a seminar feeling
tired and thirsty. Rejecting his own needs as selfish he sees a woman in
the seminar who looks tired and thirsty and sits down next to her.
Next the Two begins to make conversation, drawing out
his companion. After some initial chitchat, the Two begins to flatter
as a prelude to asking about his companion’s comfort: “That’s a
beautiful shirt, you sure have good taste. Are you comfortable in that
chair? I was just thinking you might like a pillow. Gee, it’s hot in
here. Are you thirsty? Can I get you some water?” If the companion says
“yes” to the water then the Two might reply, “Well, maybe I’ll join
you.” Now that the other person wants a glass of water, the Two has
permission to quench his own thirst.
Another Two first realized the difference between his
helpful self-image and his true feelings when, as a child, he was told
by his mother that the family’s ailing dog had been put to sleep: “When I
heard the news I felt myself starting to get upset; a cry, a sense of
outrage rose up in me. ‘How dare you do this to my dog!’ was the thought
that fueled my indignation. I remembered the many times that I had
taken care of Shaggy, how much I had played with her and given to her,
how much she had meant to me. A sense of irreparable loss began to grow.
The thoughts and feelings swirled through me. Tears formed in my eyes,
and I opened my mouth to protest. My mother, who had been watching me
evenly, said, “Before you say what you’re about to say, I just want you
to know something: we had Shaggy put to sleep two weeks ago. You just
noticed today.”
Speaking at Oxford University, English politician
Lord Longford was asked his views on humility. Longford advised the
questioner to read his new book, which, he said, “is the finest book
about humility ever written.”
Entranced Twos control through pride. After rejecting
their true feelings and adopting a helpful role towards others, they
develop an exaggerated, compensatory idea of their value and worth.
Swept up in a cloud of self-importance, the Two rationalizes his selfish
motives and is simultaneously blind to the true needs of others and
their uncomfortable reactions. When Twos feel rejected, needy or
unloved, pride can become their most striking feature.
When they first learn the Enneagram, some Twos balk
at the notion that they are prideful since they don’t gloat, brag or
preen. But pride can come out in subtle ways. A Two might, for instance,
talk of helping others while implying that he is indispensable, or by
making himself the actual subject of the story. Here, for instance, is a
Two speaking of nursing a dying friend: “It mattered so much to her
that I was with her. And she held on for me to be with her when she
passed on. It was very hard on me. I’m not going to lie to you and say
that it didn’t devastate me.”
Another implicit expression of pride can be seen when
Twos treat other full-grown adults like children, patronizing and
infantilizing them, trying to evoke childlike needs so that the Two will
then be needed as a nurturer. A Two explains: “When you’re always
filling somebody else’s need, when you’re jumping into them, there’s
something very condescending about it. The prideful idea is that other
people can’t possibly take care of themselves without me.”
Psychotherapist Ed Dunkleblau tells a related story
about a woman who was one day pushing her son through a shopping mall in
a wheelchair. She was approached by a friend who voiced his surprise,
saying “I didn’t know that your son couldn’t walk.” “Of course he can
walk,” she replied. “But thank goodness, he doesn’t have to.”
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