The Dynamic Enneagram 1
From "Ones" and "Twos"

From "Ones" and "Twos"

From "Ones"

Keys to Change

Ones may be motivated to change for a number of reasons. Presenting problems to therapists include depression, a sense of maladaptation or melancholy, creeping alcoholism, romantic instability, feeling driven, a desire for stress reduction or wanting a spouse to change. Since Ones have trouble knowing when they are angry and don't realize how scolding they sound, they often seek help for social conflicts.

Generally good directions for change are: working on behavioral rigidity, learning to commit harmless "sins," identifying and revising unconscious rules, developing creativity and humor, getting in touch with their feelings, discovering what they truly love and learning to forgive.

It's especially helpful to work with the critical voice, to modify the person's experience of it and find the nugget of compassion that drives the harsh inner judge, to discover how self-criticism is a twisted form of love. Therapists or counselors working with Ones may need to provide a friendly, non-judgmental atmosphere that is informal but structured. Ones are sometimes ashamed to seek counseling or therapy, mortified that they even have a problem. It's almost always useful to check whether the person feels vulnerable about the context itself; they may need reassurance even if they don't look like they do.

Dismantling a One's defenses needs to be done gently and playfully, so that they don't feel wrong according to new therapeutic standards. They can easily go into "meta-blaming," ("When am I going to learn to quit criticizing myself!?!") They could question a therapist's competence or introduce criteria that the therapist can't do anything about. A One client came into my office and immediately said, "I thought you'd be older." If I had taken that personally I would have become instantly ineffectual, since I couldn't suddenly be older. If you feel your competence initially assailed, remember that it's a One's defense.

Take it from me: never give advice - except maybe to Ones. Of all styles in the Enneagram, they are the most likely to solicit advice, weigh it carefully and then apply it diligently. This is why Ones offer advice to others; it works for them and they don't realize that it's rarely palatable to anyone else.

Loosening Rigidities

A One client of mine was an accomplished business consultant. Whatever she tried professionally turned out well, because she did it with finesse, focus and skill. Just forty, Susan had been so successful that she could already retire but she still felt compelled to work.

She had grown up in a competence vacuum. Her father had deserted the family early in her life and she had been a substitute companion and provider to her ineffectual mother, an alcoholic who often acted helpless and Fourish.

Susan was bored with her career and felt as if a large part of her self was missing. She had few friends or interests and was beginning to long acutely for a personal life.

She was also intensely self-critical. In social circumstances, for instance, she would judge her own every gesture and remark. For years she had been driven by a narrow sense of duty and had tightly controlled her own behavior. This strategy had helped her suppress her own needs and play the role of family provider.

Susan was beginning to drink too much alcohol and was alarmed by the fact. When she drank, however, she relaxed, became playful and revealed a side of her character that delighted others. She wanted to be able to access these qualities without drinking.

We worked on rigidity. I asked her to do an exercise during social dinners and business lunches. While dining with a friend or associate, Susan had to contrive a way to deliberately drop a fork on the floor and make it look like an accident. Then she had to reach down, pick it up, and put it back on the table. As simple as this exercise sounds, the prospect horrified her; Susan went to several lunches before she could even try it. When she finally dropped her first fork it was as bad as she had feared. She felt profound embarrassment. Leaning over to pick it up, she felt the tips of her ears burning with shame. She stammered, "I'm sorry," to her companions and put the fork back on the table. The conversation resumed; no one seemed to care about the fork but it took Susan a while to recover. Her inner critic was talking loudly, intensely and angrily.

The second time was easier. The shame came back but her critical voice was not as loud or angry. She persisted with the exercise; each time she dropped a fork her reactions lessened a little more.

After the sixth time, Susan's attitude shifted completely. At meals she began watching for the moment when she could drop her fork with the greatest apparent spontaneity. Some of her Oneness even crept into the exercise - the critical part of her now wanted to drop forks exceptionally well. But that was fine; the task had changed from something dreadful to something enjoyable.

After her success with forks we tried another exercise. It turned out that Susan had once studied tap dancing but had let the skill go dormant. I asked her to revive it and to choreograph dance routines to several carefully chosen songs. The first was called, "You're No Good."

This is a once-popular song in which a spurned lover is blaming her ex-boyfriend. The song's refrain is, "You're no good. You're no good. You're no good. Baby, you're no good." Susan was to develop a dance routine to accompany this song. Then she had to sing the song while she danced to it, in private, twice a day over a period of a week. Fortunately, she lived alone.

I also asked her to make one small lyric change; when she came to the song's refrain she was to sing, "I'm no good. I'm no good. I'm no good. Baby, I'm no good."

The physiology of tap dancing is markedly different from that of self-criticism. In the latter you are far more likely to be stationary, with your shoulders slightly tensed, your brow furrowed, looking down and talking to yourself.

Susan's contradictory task was to criticize herself while expressing the exuberant physiology of tap dancing. The first time she did this she burst out laughing. Right away she began to make up new lyrics based on her internal dialogue. She started singing her self-criticism, altering its subjective effect and making it funny.

We added other songs and worked on her letting go of responsibility for her mother. Susan began to enjoy herself in general; she took time off to read, went on a few vacations, started to work less and make more friends. Her drinking seemed to lessen on its own.

If you're a One, you might consider devising an exercise that addresses how you are caught in rigid behavior and too-strict rules. The goal is to claim the power of spontaneity rather than avoiding it like a shadow. The key is to devise tasks that are realistically harmless but which your particular inhibitions make difficult.

The exercise must involve doing something you find awkward and embarrassing; be prepared to go through moments of shame. The exercise is not complete until the embarrassing task is practiced long enough to become fun. If you are unwilling to persist to that point then it's better not to do it at all. You'll just make your inner critic angry for no good reason.

Changing The Rules

Too-strict rules are generally driven by the words, "I should." For that reason it's helpful to take your "shoulds" apart, and begin to see what you are actually asking of yourself. Here are a few helpful exercises:

Should Piles. Go to a stationary store and buy a rainbow colored notepad. Looked at from the side the pad should resemble Neopolitan ice cream. Make sure it's about an inch thick.

At the top of the first sheet, write down a sentence which begins with the words, "I should ..." Then work your way through the entire pad, one "I should" to a page. Take your time and be as specific or general as you like.

When you finish the entire pad, sort the individual sheets into two piles. The first contains the "shoulds" that you want to get rid of. The second pile contains the "shoulds" you want to keep. Think carefully and evaluate each one.

The last step is to create an appropriate ritual to dispose of the unwanted pile of "shoulds." They could be slowly tossed into the fireplace one by one or placed in an appropriate container and buried. If burned, the ashes could be scattered at some favorite place in nature. Your job is to devise the most personally satisfying ritual for you.

One man burned his shoulds on a barbecue and then kept the ashes in an urn on a shelf. Another put his shoulds into a cigar box given to him by his critical father. One night he drove to a distant city, snuck down an alley, and threw the box in a dumpster.

Counter Examples. Another way to work with shoulds is to identify the three that drive you the hardest and then search your memory for times when they have not been true or did not apply. For each of the shoulds, try to find five contradictory personal experiences -- a total of 15 counter-examples. If you believe, "I should always be thrifty," then your task would be to search your personal history for five times when being thrifty would have been completely inappropriate.

The next step is to rephrase the list of shoulds in a way that includes extenuating circumstances. "I should always be thrifty except when..." Keep saying it until you can feel it.

Always and Never. The kind of shoulds that compulsively drive people are usually accompanied by the words always and never, as in, "I should always take care of my family" or "I should never be late for appointments." In the trance of their style, Ones often fail to define the limits of their responsibility; another way to work with shoulds is to find out where they stop.

If the rule is, "I should always take care of my family," the questions to ask yourself are: Always? Every single time without fail? According to whom? Every member of my family? My cousins? My uncle? My second cousin twice removed? My relatives overseas?

What specifically do I mean by "take care?" Give them money whenever they ask me for it? Nurse their hangovers? Bail them out of jail when they are arrested for drug dealing?

Though this line of questioning may sound absurdly picky, it's often helpful to take generalizations apart and examine the sub-responsibilities they imply. It's like reading the fine print of a contract.

Whose standards? When you come across a should that drives you, it's worthwhile to ask yourself: Whose belief is this? If it turns out to be inherited ("My Mother always said, 'Give till it hurts!'") then ask yourself: what are the secondary gains of living by someone else's standards? What specifically does it do for me? How could I do the same thing for myself?

Jan's rule was, "I should always try harder." When she asked herself whom the rule belonged to, an image of her impoverished, pioneer grandmother came to mind.

Thinking about the image, Jan realized that by keeping her life unpleasant she was paying homage to the difficult lives of her ancestors. Taking vacations and enjoying herself would be an affront to the sacrifices they made. After some reflection, she decided there might be a better way to honor her grandmother.

Positive Rephrasing. We often say things to ourselves like, "I have the sniffles, and I'm getting a sore throat, I guess I'm coming down with a cold." Imagine what would happen if you had a sore throat and sniffles and said, "I guess my body is successfully warding off a cold." It's the difference between a curse and a charm.

Thirteen year old Billy was brought in because he was growing difficult to handle. His parents complained that he was irresponsible, argumentative, and rarely finished what he started, especially his chores.

Billy's father Malcolm was a One and he described his son entirely in negative terms. He also talked to the boy that way. When he asked his son to mow the lawn, he said, "Billy, I don't want you to screw up the lawn again like you did last week. And don't go thinking you can leave before it's completely finished, either."

Presumably, Billy would have to stop and think: "Let's see, screw up the lawn the way I did last week... How did I do that? OK, now I remember. So don't do that."

I explained the concept of post-hypnotic suggestion and negative motivation strategies to Malcolm. Then I asked him to spend a week listening to himself and write down any statements he heard himself make to his son. A week later he brought back a list; almost all were critical and negative in character.

We went through the list trying to positively rephrase each statement. At first, Malcolm struggled with the translation but gradually it became easier. "Billy, I don't want you to screw up mowing the lawn..." became "Billy, I want you to remember this Saturday morning to mow the lawn and do a good job like I know you can."

This is not only a differently worded message, but it non-verbally implies a much different relationship between father and son. It was harder for Malcolm to say the positive statements in the harsh, damning tone of voice that he had been using with the boy.

Positive rephrasing was a small first step but it actually seemed to help. Billy started finishing most of his chores and a new rapport developed between father and son.

If you are a One there may be a set of typical negative statements that you unwittingly offer others. Whenever you do, you communicate the reverse of what you mean to say. Here's an exercise to try:

Step 1) Carry a notebook with you for a week and write down anything that you hear yourself saying that you suspect may be a negative statement. If you're comfortable with the idea, explain the exercise to selected friends and family members. Ask them to tell you when they hear you making a negative statement; be willing to just listen to their feedback and write it down.

Step 2) Once you have at least ten negative statements, list them on the left side of a piece of paper. Then go through and positively rephrase each one.

Step 3) The last part of the exercise is the most important: Practice the positive rephrasings in conversation with real people. If. like Malcolm, there is a particular person to whom you habitually offer negative messages, then he or she is the person to start with.

From "Twos"

Autobiographies
A therapist I know often asks Twos to begin therapy by writing a 10-15 page autobiography plus a shorter statement of personal philosophy. This is a nice exercise for people who confuse their identities with others or tend to ignore their inner criteria. The Two is required to really think about what's important to them, to find their way to their own position and discover how they really feel without reference to someone else.

Former Presidential wife Nancy Reagan is a Two. After her husband left office she wrote a book called My Turn. She described the book as her forum for answering critics and a chance to finally speak her mind. She began writing about her childhood and background and then, around Chapter Three, she slipped away from her purpose. The rest of My Turn was entirely about her husband, Ronald Reagan. If you are a Two doing this exercise, it's important that you focus on yourself alone -- remember it's an autobiography.

Another thing that combines well with personal writing is to locate a sense of yourself somewhere in your body. If you think of times when you have been really in touch with your true feelings, you might realize that you feel them in a particular body location. For most people this is somewhere in their throat or chest. If you are a Two doing this exercise, touch this part of your body as you write; it will help you maintain your own position and see life through your own eyes.

Invoices

There's another exercise that works well for people with this style when they have a sense of humor and are ready for an experience that is starkly self-revealing. It is a three-step homework assignment.

Step 1) is to think about and then list all the important relationships in their lives -- present and past. Special attention is paid to what the Two feels they have given to each person.

Step 2) is to take a trip to a stationary store and buy a book of blank business invoices.

Step 3) is to write out an invoice for every person on the list. The Two can put dollar amounts on what they feel owed, or charge their friends something more intangible. But each invoice must explicitly itemize what the Two has given to that particular person and what the Two feels that he or she is due.

What this exercise explores is the dual nature of giving. As a giving Two I may want to believe that my intentions towards you are selfless and pure. In reality there's another level where my actions are actually self-interested. I may have many unspoken expectations and be dependent on you to define me. Since I don't believe I can have my own needs directly I give to you in order to get me back.

If you are a Two, this exercise will unveil any way that you already oblige or indebt your friends unconsciously. To directly recognise your own self-interest is actually quite helpful. It otherwise comes out in disguise which risks driving friends away and defeats your desire to stay connected.

Guided Imagery

I've taken Twos on a guided imagery experience where they awaken on a desert island with ample supplies but find themselves absolutely alone. They have everything they could possibly need except companionship. The task is to go through an experience where you endure an imaginary experience of total solitude.

Typically there will be some anxiety in this. The person will say, "Well, I look around and nobody is here and I feel so disconnected." They may fight being alone on the island by thinking of loved ones. One man said he felt comfortable being alone on the island with some books. When I asked him what he was reading he said, "Biographies."

As a sense of true separation begins to develop the person may feel melancholy. Sometimes that swirling, yawning void experience I mentioned comes up. The point of the exercise is to develop a strategy for tolerating aloneness, to learn how to ride it out and begin to value your own company. Otherwise, as a Two you can spend a lot of time trying to avoid an experience that you actually can endure and even learn to enjoy. If you are convinced that you can't be alone you may try to avoid solitude by compulsively focusing on others.

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