The
Trouble With Typing -2
Nine
Good Ways to Misuse the Enneagram
A
marketing company that specializes in
promotional mailing lists sent me a letter
advertising their services. Markings on the
envelope indicated that the letter had been
returned to them once because they had the
address wrong. The second time the address
was fine but they had screwed up the postal
code and spelled my last name “Condom.”
Printed next to their business logo was the
company’s confident motto: “We’re only as
good as our information!”
One
way your ego can react to the Enneagram is
to yoke it into serving your defenses This
leads to situations where you are doing two
contradictory things at once – thinking you
are breaking free while using the material
to strengthen your trance. Some distortions
of the Enneagram are more “style specific,”
in that they come easily to people within
the bias of their style and are expressions
of its neurotic tendencies. Here’s a rundown
of the most common:
Ones
– Ones sometimes distort the Enneagram by
turning it into the ultimate criticism. They
may use the model as a basis for judging
themselves and others, positing a new ideal
self to strive for and become. They can see
Enneagram styles in a too-negative way,
overfocusing on what’s wrong and broken; not
allowing people to be more than their type.
They may also form blanket judgments about
other Enneagram styles: “Nines are lazy,
Threes are liars, Sevens are dilettantes.”
Ones also fix their attention on others as a
way of not looking at themselves.
Some
Ones turn the Enneagram into an orthodoxy.
They stop using their own words and adopt
“Enneagramatically correct” adjectives to
describe their personal experience, while
imposing Enneagram terminology on others.
Ones can also become literal-minded about
the system, missing the metaphorical nature
of personality styles, thinking they’re as
real as tables and chairs.
Twos
– Twos sometimes distort the
Enneagram by turning it into an instrument
of seduction. Knowledge of personality
styles helps the Two better blend with other
people’s criteria to create synthetic
personal connections.
Some
Twos are self-critical and can feel
unnecessarily bad about their own style.
They’ll hate themselves for being a Two,
especially if others around them don’t like
it.
Other
Twos feel entirely too good about
their personality style. They may take a
subtle pride in their interpersonal powers
and act exempt from the need to look at
their behavior. Twos will sometimes also
join Enneagram communities and lose
themselves in a social context, evading the
need for independent, solitary
introspection.
Threes
– Threes may distort the Enneagram by
missing its depth, instead seeing people as
two-dimensional stereotypes or walking
bundles of information. Some Threes fix
their attention on people’s surface behavior
and are unable to recognize their
individuality and souls. They may also get
fascinated with the way the Enneagram
“works,” seeing the system in an overly
schematic, formulaic way.
Sometimes
Threes use knowledge of the Enneagram to
manipulate others in the service of
achievement. “Just look for one of the
tell-tale signs that places him or her into
one of nine categories,” read an especially
Threeish advertisement for the Enneagram,
“then you’ll know everything you need to
know about them and be able to change their
behavior without them finding out!”
Some
Threes get competitive about typing by
trying to do it too fast; they may ask a
person five questions and then confidently
but erroneously announce the person’s
Enneagram style.
Fours
– Fours sometimes distort the
Enneagram by believing its insights will
cure them.
They may use the system to pursue
the one ultimate insight that will explain
why they feel so flawed or alien. Study of
the Enneagram becomes license to get newly
mired in subjectivity, an excuse to postpone
dealing with reality until the day they
fully understand themselves.
Fours
can find the model depressing and damning or
feel insulted about being “just another
unique person.” Some Fours convince
themselves they are special for belonging to
a “rare” species of the Enneagram, citing a
invented statistic that claims there are
fewer Fours than other personality styles.
Groups of Fours may gather to celebrate
their collective uniqueness, an in-crowd for
those in the know.
Fives
– Fives sometimes distort the
Enneagram by holding it at an intellectual
distance, enjoying it as an analytical
system but not letting it personally touch
them: “I could be a Five or at least one of
the fear types. It’s very interesting to
think about...” Like Fours, Fives
can overvalue insight, believing that it
automatically leads to personal growth, as
if knowing about yourself is the
same thing as knowing yourself.
If
your defense is to avoid both intimacy and
action by hiding in the study of complex
subjects, then the Enneagram is a perfect
refuge. Fives can get lost in the
Enneagram’s study, mistaking a mastery of
detail for depth, seeing the system as a set
of esoteric principles that are divorced
from daily life. Some Fives treat the
Enneagram as a theory rather than a
description of real people; the theory then
limits what the Five can actually notice
about others.
Fives
will sometimes use the Enneagram as a way of
knowing about people without being involved
with them. They may form once-removed,
social affiliations to exchange information
about the model. A few Fives will avoid
deciding on their Enneagram number as a way
to resist social definition; the fear is
that admitting their style could give others
a weapon of control.
Sixes
– Sixes sometimes warp the
Enneagram into an excuse to avoid
responsibility for their actions. They may
fatalistically overidentify with their
style, pretending to be a victim of their
Sixness in a way that absolves them of the
need to claim their power.
Some
Sixes reject the Enneagram or overreact to
the fact of typing, growing preoccupied with
the potential dangers of such a system.
Other Sixes may romanticize it, deifying
both the Enneagram and its teachers. A
system that seems to explain everything
makes for imaginary security in an uncertain
world; Sixes can think the Enneagram is The
Truth and get dogmatic in its defense. Sixes
may also misuse the Enneagram in the service
of paranoia, using it mainly to justify
their suspicions of people’s hidden motives.
Sevens
– Sevens sometimes learn the
Enneagram intensely but quickly, acquiring a
rapid overview of the model and then
concluding too soon that they understand
personality styles or dismissing the system
as a set of restrictive categories. If they
study the Enneagram further, they may try to
stay noncommittal, refusing to be “boxed in”
by their type, holding out for the
possibility that they could have several
personality styles.
Some
Sevens get “trait happy” and stay fixed on
people’s outer characteristics. They may be
attracted to formulas and equations as a
fast way to learn the Enneagram, hoping to
avoid the struggle of ploughing through the
whole field.
Other
Sevens may understand the Enneagram
philosophically and idealistically but not
experientially. They may put a positive spin
on the material, overfocusing on each
style’s potential as a way to avoid the
sting of the Enneagram’s diagnostic depth,
skipping over selective details to evade
it’s darker truths.
Eights
– Eights often externalize their
psychological conflicts, so they may see
Enneagram dynamics in everyone but
themselves. They are sometimes prone to
deciding which styles they like or dislike,
as if that’s somehow relevant. An Eight
might locate his shadow in others but then
take the realization no further, instead
using the Enneagram to justify his
uncharitable biases and limits (“I never
could stand college professors and now I
know why; they’re all a bunch of wimpy
Fives”).
On
the job or at home, Eights can use the
Enneagram as a tool for blaming or
punishing. Some can initially dismiss the
system as meaningless; later they may warp
it into a justification for why they can’t
change. Eights can miss the system’s subtly
and see personality styles as cartoons. They
can also grow so enthusiastic about the
Enneagram that they overapply it, seeing
people only as their Enneagram styles – more
educated bigotry.
Nines
– Nines can allow the Enneagram
to exist in an atmosphere around them while
taking little responsibility for what it
shows them about themselves. “Other people
tell me I’m a Nine...” is sometimes the
refrain.
Some
Nines might be chronically “unable” to
decide on their personality style. Others
could admit to it but postpone facing the
implications, focusing instead on how much
work it sounds like or telling themselves
that being a Nine is not as bad as some
other numbers. There could be a quality of
willfully missing the point, of adding the
Enneagram to an already full plate of things
that don’t matter.
Some
Nines react as if the Enneagram has given
them a suddenly documented identity. They
may find false recognition from
overidentifying with their style,
brandishing their neurotic personality
distortions as a badge of confused pride, as
if to say, “See, this proves I exist: look
how screwed up I am.”
Not
Quite Getting It
Occasionally
people study the Enneagram but fail to
identify their personality style. There are
a number of reasons for this, beginning with
inexperience. Some people are unknown to
themselves and simply are not accustomed to
observing their behavior, thinking or
emotions. They’ve had no framework or use
for self-knowledge; it hasn’t been their
walk in life. Maybe they’ve been busy
raising children, or had a demanding career;
things went relatively well, and they’ve not
had the occasion or motivation to question
their premises. Then, for whatever reason,
they begin to.
Sometimes
people don’t recognize their style because
of the amount or quality of their exposure
to the Enneagram. They mistype themselves
based on their reading of a book or two. If
you’ve not seen the Enneagram in action,
it’s possible to misidentify yourself
because you lack a living three-dimensional
sense of the energy and real-world
expression of each style.
A
few people study the system for a long time
but maintain they still don’t know their own
Enneagram style. I’ve heard things like:
“I’ve been exposed to many Enneagram
teachers, I’ve read all the books; I know
all about the Enneagram, but I still don’t
know my style. This teacher says I’m a
Seven, that teacher says I’m a Nine. What do
you think?” There’s sometimes a small smile
at the corner of the mouth, offering a
silent challenge.
Almost
every time people have issued this
challenge, it has turned out that they
unconsciously knew their Enneagram style but
were reluctant to admit it. Lurking in the
refusal was an intelligent, self-protective
objection; they either sensed that the
revelation of their style was going to be
overwhelming, or they feared getting stuck
and trapped in a way that is resonant with
their personal history. As one woman said,
“My father used to call me names all the
time, and this seems like calling myself a
new name.”
A
person could know his or her Enneagram style
deep down but not like it. I’ve known
manipulative, dependent Twos who thought
they were self-sufficient Fives, and this
belief was an expression of Twoish pride.
Some Sevens initially believe they are
Eights, because it’s more flattering to
think of themselves as aggressive than
afraid.
Sometimes
people ask, “It’s not exclusive, is it?
Aren’t we all nine styles to some degree?”
While that may be ideally true, people often
ask that question when they are avoiding the
implications of their core style. If I’m
connected to all nine Enneagram styles, then
the one that unnerves me the most is not as
potent.
Occasionally
I’ve heard stories about people who believed
for years that they had a particular
Enneagram style and then realized it was an
error. Often the person had accepted the
diagnosis of a teacher or friend more
experienced with the Enneagram.
If
you discover that you have accepted
someone’s mistyping, you might ask, “What
has been the secret benefit of allowing
others to define me?” Perhaps it reflects a
power you gave away to a teacher or someone
you wanted to please. Often this is a veiled
replay of a past relationship with a parent.
A
woman once brought her grown daughter to a
workshop. She was convinced the daughter was
a Four, but during the course of the
workshop, the daughter realized she was a
Six. This was startling and upsetting to the
mother who, for some reason, still needed
the daughter to be a Four. She later asked
me, “Are you really sure that she’s a Six?
Don’t you really think she’s a Four?” I
replied, “You know, in the end, it’s
probably none of our business what her
Enneagram style is.”
The
Enneagram is not for everyone. If a person
is reluctant to acknowledge their Enneagram
style, maybe they aren’t quite ready for
this kind of self-examination. There’s no
point in forcing the issue prematurely.
If
you are ready, it may be important to let
the unsettling part of it touch you, to have
an “Oh my God!” experience. The Enneagram is
not arbitrary; if it hasn’t made you
uncomfortable, you may not yet completely
understand its purpose. The most
consistently reliable physical sign that
you’ve “got it” is an upset stomach.
Using
The Enneagram Clearly
Discovering
someone’s Enneagram style is ultimately an
act of inference, a kind of educated
intuition. While there is no single right
way to do it, there are some helpful
pointers and guidelines.
People
familiar with the major star constellations
sometimes report growing confused when they
venture into the wilderness. Away from
civilization’s competing streetlights, so
many more stars are visible that the most
obvious constellations become harder to see.
If
you are a beginner it’s especially important
to restrict yourself to searching for one
thing: someone’s central pattern, what they
do the most. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by
too much information and too many secondary
distinctions.
Those
who are good at identifying Enneagram styles
often begin their assessment of someone by
seeking an underlying feeling. Fives, Sixes
and Sevens are fundamentally fearful, while
Eights, Nines and Ones react from anger.
Twos, Threes and Fours often display an
absence of feeling or a quality of drama
without depth. If you sense that someone is
fundamentally angry, it might mean that they
are an Eight, Nine or One. Choosing from
three possibilities is then easier than
choosing from nine.
Another
way to winnow down the possibilities is to
mentally cycle through the Enneagram as you
try to diagnose someone’s style: “Not a One,
not a Two, not a Three, maybe a Four, maybe
a Five, not a Six, not a Seven, not an
Eight, maybe a Nine.” Even if you’re not
entirely sure about the person’s core style,
you may find that others can be clearly
ruled out.
Confusing
one Enneagram style with another is possible
because some can outwardly look alike.
Threes and Sevens can seem similar because
both are often externally organized and tend
to lose themselves in activity. Ones and
Fives may seem alike when the One is
introverted and shy. Nines and Twos both
tend to put the priorities of others before
their own. Adding subtypes and other fine
distinctions can confuse things even more.
Again, even when outer behavior is similar,
it’s crucial to know what’s motivating the
person. Internally these styles see the
world in vastly different ways.
Sometimes
it’s difficult to identify the personality
styles of people close to you. It took me
years to identify the Enneagram style of one
of my best friends; we had too much history
together, and I just couldn’t see him
clearly. When I first met him he was prone
to judgmental rages. For years I assumed he
was a One, although that diagnosis never
quite felt right. In the end, the only
solution was to show him passages from an
Enneagram book. Gradually it came clear that
he is an occasionally explosive Nine with an
Eight wing.
If
you are trying to type your friends, it’s
best to approach the matter respectfully.
Sometimes this means encouraging a dialogue.
You might open an Enneagram book and say:
“This friend of ours, she really fits this
description right here. I fit this
description here; this one seems like you.
See what you think.” Your friend or
acquaintance may surprise you by the style
they choose. Then as you think about it you
might realize, “Of course! I’ve been staring
at that all along but haven’t been able to
see it.”
Sometimes
a context will confuse things. If you think
your father was a Five but there were twelve
children in your family, you might have to
ask, “Did he withdraw to his study for days
on end because of his Enneagram style or
because he had twelve kids?” Even an
extraverted Two would need time away from a
family that large.
Often
it’s hard to identify someone’s style
because they are especially healthy. The
person is less obviously caught in a
compulsive pattern. In the end, though, they
will still have one particular orientation
and not another. Studying healthy people can
also teach you about the gifts of each
Enneagram style.
There
are many published Enneagram tests that seem
to work equally well. While none are 100%
accurate, they at least stimulate discussion
about what the Enneagram describes. Offering
someone a test is another tactful way to get
them involved and relieves you of the
interpersonally sticky task of deciding your
friend’s Enneagram style for him. It is
probably wise to avoid that.
Enneagram
enthusiasts sometimes try to precisely
identify the correct adjectives that best
define each type. Behind the idea is an
assumption that somewhere there’s an
“objective Enneagram” as real as tables and
chairs.
Actually, Enneagram authors offer
distinctly different versions of the system.
Some contradict each other or slice the same
pie in different ways. Some are clearly
writing about people first while others are
describing a theory through which they
filter people.
There
are incompetent renditions of the Enneagram
but even its acknowledged experts will
disagree about the personality styles of
particular famous people – which means
someone must be wrong. Enneagram experts are
like blind people describing an elephant;
each is clued into a different aspect of the
same animal. Partly this means is that there
is no complete certainty to be had outside
of yourself. You eventually have to make the
Enneagram your own and take the different
versions of it in stride.
The
Enneagram is a model. The value and
effectiveness of a model is in how precisely
it matches what it describes and allows the
user to apply the knowledge. But a model is
only a model. No one has ever photographed
an ego; it’s just a way of talking about
something. It’s just a description.
There
is something about the Enneagram that allows
people to think they understand it before
they do. Unfortunately for the system’s
reputation, this sometimes means that a
student will decide to teach it before they
really know it, possibly in a shallow,
stereotypical way.
The
Enneagram will meet you where you are, at
your best depth, so to speak, but it will
not tell you what you don’t know about it.
During the first 10 years I worked with the
model I learned it anew four different
times. Each time I thought that I fully
understood the material, a trapdoor opened,
and I was dropped into a new and unsuspected
depth.
I’ve
now worked with the Enneagram for 38 years;
sometimes a new person’s Enneagram style is
instantly obvious to me. With others it
takes time and patient attention before
their style comes clear. Someone will
manifest Nineness in a way I’m not used to,
but it’s eventually evident that Nine is
their true style anyway. It’s often wise not
to make up your mind too soon – determining
someone’s personality style isn’t a contest
and grabbing prematurely at certainty will
often steer you and others wrong.
Whenever
you have a clear success, pay attention to
your internal experience and memorize both
the feeling of being certain and the sensory
cues that led to the correct diagnosis. Be
sure to distinguish this from the desire to
be certain. In the future, you can then use
the experience of true certainty as a
touchstone, a guide to whether you are on
track or not.
As
you might imagine, people who are good at
identifying Enneagram styles practice a lot.
They read biographies, watch interviews on
television and look for the Enneagram in
movies, novels and real life. They also work
to get out of their own way – to see past
their personal likes and dislikes, avoiding
snap judgments and projections in favor of
paying attention to what is plainly
emanating from others.
If
you use the Enneagram personally or
professionally, it might be helpful to stay
open-minded, alert to what people reveal
about themselves, trying to see the whole
person even as they manifest a specific
personality style. The Enneagram is always
deeper than it seems to be; as a system it
can be worked with for years and still yield
secrets. It is both comprehensive and
incomplete, alive in a way that won’t lie
flat on paper.
You
might also ponder the words of
hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. Late in his
life, Erickson was often asked the question,
“What is hypnosis?” Typically he would
pretend to think for a moment and then say,
“I’ve only studied hypnosis for 50 years.
It’s too early to tell.”
Part
1 Blog
Copyright
1998, 2013, 2017 by Thomas Condon
www.thechangeworks.com
